how can i tell you ii

how much i miss you

how can i tell you

how can i tell you
it’s like living halfway

how can i tell you
that so many pieces
are missing
and i pray for them
which makes no sense
because they’re
within my grasp
if only i would reach
in the right direction

how can i tell you
how i am
that question
so many ask
and forget to listen
for the answer
how can i tell you
anything
when talking to you
with you
reminds me
of everything
i lack
and ache for

how can i tell you
how can i tell you anything
conversations about
the weather
and your hair
when we used to talk
and hold the world
in our conversations

how can i tell you
it’s like being flattened
it’s like living halfway

hstarr

they say
follow your
goosebumps,
goosebumps
are an indication
of pure joy,
they say.
but i wonder
about the science of it

do you remember
the thrill
every time you touched me
rushing from
the point of contact
uncontrollably
everywhere
bursting out of me
all over my skin:
goosebumps.
sure.
joy
pure joy

the car rides alone
are no good for me
hours and hours
it’s not the traffic
the stress of side swipes
and stop and go.
it’s the time
of nothingness
but thinking
always of you
and the music
always some
poem/song/confession
that reminds me
of you.
less than joy

if happiness were a formula
i would score an a++
in this class.
too bad it’s not applicable
in the real world
no practical use.

this is my fourth
shabbat away
which means
three full weeks
feels like forever
have you forgotten me yet?

too bad

I keep trying to remind myself that the only reason it was so good just before I left is because I was about to leave.  It wasn’t really.  Just an interlude.

night

every corner i turn
shards of glass
glare up at me
broken memories with you
the walks
the words
maybe most of all
the touch.
pink skies and
your lips on my forehead
i know it’s wrong
distorted
but i can’t piece it back together
no more whole memories
and no new ones to be made
not anymore.
a car inches by,
the blasting music
interrupting my past
i feebly sing the words
“you don’t mean anything to me”
willing them to be true.

i flit in and out of your life
dashing into the crowd
ducking out before you look up
covering my hair
and hiding my face
praying you won’t notice.
i want nothing more
than to be in the periphery
of your world,
the shadows,
where the colors fade,
but i don’t mind anymore,
they burned too brightly
too long
for this shooting star.
i’ll join the rest of them
who’ve burned out,
the others to whom
you paid enough attention
to be changed by
and then to drop.

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“you have been the one for me”

did you wake up
relieved?
happy?
free?
did you wake up
not quite remembering?
confused about the outcome?
feeling slightly hungover?
did you wake up
wondering what you missed?
not totally sure
that you missed anything yet
but sure that you’re about to?
did you wake up
refreshed?
with a plan?
ready for the future?
did you wake up
satisfied?
or wishing
the past could be redone?

i looked at the world
square in the face
like i’ve been afraid to do
but you make it within my reach
i went to sleep
feeling at peace with living
and all of its complications
and woke up
on a different planet

feelings become words
and words become feelings
the moment they’re spoken
before i even knew
and then the feelings
don’t even matter
because the bottom line
is just that
i
am
what i am
when i’m with you
i like it

free
do we really know
what it means
to be free?
i think my definition
of freedom has been
so determined by
everyone else
that it’s the very opposite
and your freedom
has been so constructed
that you’ll never know

everything has faded
and that’s so sad
emotions and colors
even the sadness within me
is a dull aching
not a burning pain
a feeling
that i’ve lost something
i never had
so maybe
it doesn’t even really
matter at all

remembering
all the nights
i can’t decide
if they were worth it
or if remembering
is worth it

everything you said
touched my heart
and some words
stung
it can’t be helped
don’t try to fix it

noting the differences
highlighting the word
the differences between us
we’re so different
we’re from different worlds
you make it so
academic
delta x
equals the root
of the distance
between the hospital
where you were born
and the hospital
where i was born
in kilometers
and that’s why
we can’t be together

cool logic
is it true
or the excuse for
your feelings?
cool logic
tells me
delete
apple x
undo
forever
when you fail
fail quickly
did we fail?
get it over with

everyone says
try just a little harder
give it
just one more chance
but you made up
your mind
and it takes
two to tango
i love dancing

so what now
now
nothing
the bottom line is
they’re too great
the differences

please

there will never be
enough words
for me
between us
but you’ve made up
your mind
so i don’t know
the point
anymore
i could ay
people come to
god, israel, torah
through all sorts
of mysterious ways
and maybe you’re mine
i could say
of course
we have communication
challenges
but that
makes it fascinating
i could say
yes, we’re from
very different words
but that’s not bad
doesn’t make things impossible
i could beg you
not to think so much
but you can’t undo it
and i love the
beautiful thoughts
in your beautiful head
and i could beg you
to kiss me goodnight
remember how it is
maybe we belong
together
but that’s so much
pressure
and that changes things
i could beg you
please
please
please
please give us a chance
but i think
you’ve already
made up your mind
and closed your heart
so i guess
there’s only this:
i love you
goodbye

From every deed an angel is born, a god angel or a bad one.  But from half-hearted or confused deeds which are without meaning or power, angels are born with twisted limbs, or without a head or hands or feet…

-Buber

Please give intention to your actions.

straight up

consolation kiss
moment of confusion
because your mixed intentions
seep through your actions
and actions speak
louder than words
but when neither is clear
i’m groping for meaning
is it an apology
‘let’s make things better’
or a romantic gesture
a continuation
or a goodbye

consolation kiss
moment of clarity
to know
‘well i still like you
well enough
but kissing you
has become a bit too much
like kissing my sister
and i just can’t pretend
anymore
but you know
you’re a really great person
really really’
yeah i know
and i don’t need you
to teach me that
just leave me already